The Reign Of The Monkey

Today marks the start of the Chinese new year 4702; the year of the monkey.

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Happy New Year!

Freetalking Flash

Here's a couple of flash movies I stumbled accross. They're both anti-Bush themes and major on the wmd fiasco...

This is the funnier of the two and quite a small download

This is quite hard hitting and really does outline the seriousness of it all. ...it's a fairly lengthy movie, so it may take a while to download if you're on a dial-up.

Surely, the time limit for finding any wmd must be drawing near? When will Bush and Blair have to stand up and be counted for the mass devastation they unleashed on the Iraqi people? Both leaders continue to display outrageous levels of arrogance and disregard for public opinion. Do they believe that the whole issue will be swept under the carpet, and business will continue as normal?

The frightening thing is, that's exactly what will happen. We'd be kidding ourselves to believe any different!

To add insult to injury, the dynamic duo have now customised the list of war crimes that Saddam will be tried for. This article is well worth a read.

The Ultimate Enema!

Don't ask me how I got to this page...

Extract:

..... About five years ago an old WW2 veteran used to come into a hospital clinic in the east end of London suffering from bad haemorroids (piles). The clinic did what they could, but they could never relieve the most painful pile, which would hang down and get stuck on the seam of the man's underpants. To rid himself of the nuisance of this pile, the old man used to push it back up into his rectum using the artillery shell from an anti-aircraft gun he used to man in the war. One day the shell got stuck and the man was forced to hobble down to the hospital to get it removed. As the doctor was about to insert his fingers into the old man's rectum to remove the shell he said 'Of course, this shell is spent, isn't it?' 'Oh no,' said the old man 'There's enough ammo in that shell to blast a Messerschmidt (sp?) out of the sky.' So the doctor called in the army bomb squad, who built a lead box around the old man's asshole and defused the shell in situ, before removing it.

There's x-ray pic's at the link.

There's another anecdote there about the removal of a pepper-pot, also lodged in no-mans-land. It was inscribed "A present from Margate" I've lived in Margate for most of my life and, consequently, relate to the sentiment with particular ease!

Johnny's In The Jungle

So, John Lydon, aka Johnny Rotten of Sex Pistols fame, has sold his anarchic soul to the God's of reality TV.

Die hard punk rockers across the globe will be spitting on their 'Never mind the bollocks' LP's as we speak!

I can't begin to imagine what persuaded him to take part. Surely he's not in need of the purported £25k fee (four times that if you can arrive in the bush accompanied by a couple of hand crafted, viewer friendly, mammalian protuberances). Love him or hate him, it's plainly obvious that he's a master of self publicity and not entirely stupid. So, why is he willing to let his modern day image be moulded and twisted by the cutting room boys of 'I'm a sleb'? Doesn't he realise that their primary aim is to paint contestants any colour, other than genuine?

Whatever his reasons, I'm secretly hoping that he has the sole intention of wreaking havoc and anarchy around the bush-tuckers camp and the other ex-sleb contestants. Anything else will, in my opinion, cause irreparable damage to the legend that was and, at last, prove his mother right... "It's just a phase he's going through!"

Mobile Madness!

My new mobile phone arrived yesterday morning and, unfortunately, we're not bonding very well...

I didn't want to upgrade. Yes, I'm well aware of the social stigma and ridicule associated with mono ring tones, single colour displays and surface areas greater than 10 Woodbine but, at least I knew where I stood with my trusty old 3310. Unfortunately though, with her increasing years (ratio = 1 human year:28 mobile years), she started showing signs of dementia. Predictive text became wholly unpredictable; her battery displayed unmistakeable signs of alzheimer's and, in general, she became lethargic and slow to respond. A direct result of the constant textual abuse she's had to endure!

So, now I have this sparkly, slimline, state-of-the-art gizmo that's going to improve my world of communication beyond recognition; or so the Nokia marketing gnu's guru's would have me believe. It's fairly handsome, I'll concede to that, and it'll slip into my jeans pocket without making me look like I've been at the viagra again but, on the whole, I think it'll contribute to the further demise of my mental persona. The keypad is just too bloody small! I'm 6'3" and 220lbs with proportionately sized thumbs. How can the designers expect anyone with larger than average digits to easily navigate the plethora of menus on buttons of such miniscule proportions and close proximity? Perhaps I should consider cosmetic thumb surgery. I could have the end whittled down into a text friendly stylus!

So, what else does this technological nugget offer me? A multitude of pretty coloured, effeminate pictures and and a vast array of irritating, polyphonic ring-tones: Fantastic! The ability to email: Who would I want to email from my phone? Everyone I know, my mother excepted, has a mobile and can, therefore, receive text messages. The idea of composing anything longer than a quick sms on the aforementioned keypad is, to me, preposterous! Access to wap services: I suppose I can find out immediately, and from any location, that my lottery numbers have, yet again, failed to project me into the lap of luxury! Although, naturally, it'll cost more than the ticket itself did. All in all, it hasn't convinced me that it's a worthy replacement. Of course, I'll persevere, after all it's cost me money, hasn't it? I suppose my thumb will surprise me, in time, and reach a new level of dexterity but, in the short term, I just know it's going to cause me a consignment of angst and frustration that I could well do without. C'est la vie, my friends, c'est la vie.

There is one feature that I do like; the automatic key guard. I'm always forgetting to lock the keys after a call. On many occasions, I've stuffed it in my pocket, only to find out that my groin decided to make a call and use up all my credit! A while ago, a good friend of mine was going through a tough time with his marriage. One day, he phoned his wife on his mobile and then used a landline to call the office switchboard. At the time, he was having an emotional affair with the receptionist and, consequently, chatted to her at great length about his wifes incompetencies as a partner, mother and lover. When he arrived home, his bags were packed and he was immediately rendered homeless... Whilst talking to the receptionist, his mobile decided to execute 'last number redial' and his wife had listened to the entire conversation. Poor bastard! However, I'm pleased to say, he now reflects upon the episode in a humourous manner and wishes he'd faked the scenario years earlier!

Oh well, time to stop blogging and get out my phone manual and hiking boots. I've got a steep learning curve to climb. Good night.

Blogging For Posterity

Well, at last, I'm done.

I've set up my blog.

For the last couple of weeks I've been tinkering with the Blogger toolkit; farting around with the sidebar links and comprehending the, previously incomprehensible, concepts of HTML and FTP. Indeed, I feel quite proud of myself. Naturally, there's been the obligitary profanities spewed forth along the way, and I still can't work out why the content and header decide to migrate to the bottom of the page when viewed in a small window but, hey... mañana. I still chuckle to my self every time I republish, and Blogger advises me that it may take a while if I've got a large blog. But then, 'blog' is a rather rude sounding word isn't it, and I'm aware that my sense of humour never evolved from the playground, but I'm dealing with it. OK!

Now, I just need to fill all that gleaming white space with pearls of wit and wisdom. I'm really quite excited but, at the same time, apprehensive about setting myself up to be shot down by all and sundry. Incidentally, are you 'all' or 'sundry'? Nonetheless, I'm going to overcome these nonsensical feelings of paranoia and persevere. A blog is what I wanted, so, a blog I shall have!